I have impulsively pulled off the road this morning with a need to write. This is not a matter of literary inspiration but more like a journal-writing itch. It is such a beautiful morning. The crisp in the air is offset by the warm sun on my back while I hunch over this picnic table and it looks like a splendid day ahead.
I was queued up at the traffic light with all the other commuters, my bullet pointed toward The Workplace. I just had to break ranks.
There is a common theme emerging from different fronts: It's noise and habit that are killing us.
Maybe I could find these...
Spontaneity, Inspiration, Reflection, Communication, Avocation, Local Color, Appreciation, Sensitivity, Insight, Harmony, Facility, Synchronicity, Peace
... if I could avoid these...
Noise, Routine, Guilt, Excessive Responsibility, Functionality
I've been carrying around the name of a therapist for weeks, waiting for the right moment to call. When I have a rare inclination to think about it, I usually come to a quick conclusion that counseling has no place in a stable life.
But I've been thinking about therapy in another way lately. I imagine our first encounter when I tell her that I'm not here to overcome debilitating depression or panic disorder. I'm here to talk outside the box. Where else could I do that and expect someone's undivided attention and an occasional reaction? I need to hear myself think so that I can clear up who I am and what I value. I want to dispense with unnecessary weight (in every sense), and find resonance, titillation, and comfort again. But before I sign up I think there is some homework to do...
2 Questions
1. What's the problem?
2. What do you want?
First let's dispense with the obvious irony. Looking from the outside, how could a guy like me have a problem? I live in a nice house in a wealthy neighborhood. I am incredibly lucky to have work that has low stress, high income, and tremendous flexibility (shit, now my secret is out). I am reasonably healthy and look decent for my age. I have two wonderful kids that I was able to rescue from dire prospects. I am considered intelligent, creative, and funny.
Bring scope down to ground level
Increase magnitude..
A typical day opens with a few preset challenges. An appointment or two and some office tasks to complete. I do this work in my sleep (and it shows!). I try to nestle into the office but it never feels that good. On occasion there's a block of time in the day that I could apply to any number of things. Working on my web projects, getting exercise, doing something musical. I am rarely comfortable with my choice, usually because of guilt. My house is no longer my home. If the kids are home I feel too guilty to show up and then leave. Terry is stressed so there's even more guilt (although all offers to help are rejected). And so several times a week I find myself lost. And it is during these times that a strange disconnection between me and my own life is revealed. I dwell on the activities that were natural extensions of my identity (writing/playing music, walking in the woods, journal writing) that have all but disappeared without being replaced by anything as satisfying.
In these off-putting moments, I sometimes I'll go into a restaurant around 3:00 in the afternoon. Places are always empty then so you can get a big booth to yourself and have reasonable peace. I'll order a glass of wine with my lunch, open my laptop and have a pleasant hour noodling. Feels pretty good at the time but am I escaping or is that notion based on guilt? Is this guilt something I manufactured?
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